It’s been a while since I’ve felt the need to come on here, I’ve been trying to occupy myself in more constructive ways. Recently though everything just seems to have gone so badly. I’ve pissed so many people off, so many people to the point I’m thinking so many people can’t be wrong. I pride myself on not being a selfish person, I mean sure, I’m not exactly what you’d call punctual, but I’m getting better and sometimes I don’t try very hard at things but again, sometimes I have my reasons. But when it comes to my friends I would go out of my way to do almost anything. I love all the people I keep close in my life, the last thing I want to do is upset them. When dealing with other people I’d rather make myself uncomfortable than them because the way I see it is that I myself know what I can handle, I know what will and won’t upset me but I don’t know how others will feel, if they’ll be upset by things I might do or say so I so my best to avoid such situations, even if that means making myself a little uncomfortable. When all this stuff happened I knew it was selfish of me and so I resisted at first but then I hadn’t really felt happy in so long, and I certainly hadn’t felt like this and the fact that it was reciprocated made it all so much harder to turn down. So I guess when everything happened I just kind of went for it and hoped for the best hoping my friends would care for me enough to overlook this thing I wanted to do for myself. Now I’m just doubting myself more and more. I feel selfish and stupid. I feel like everyone is moving away from me whether that be from my pushing or my inattentiveness or them moving away of their own accord. I don’t know, I just know I feel very alone at the moment and the little bit of extra happiness I’ve gained just seems to have brought me more sadness in other ways and I feel like I’ve made some lasting damage. I guess I’m just scared because I’m scared people are now going to start leaving me and that I might’ve already put myself in a rut for my new beginning. Who can know what’s going to happen though. God this is such a ramble, I’m not even going to reread it so who knows if it makes sense or not, I just wanted to have it all down, even if it just scratches the surface of everything in feeling right now.
Getting kind of sick of Allen and Leigh-Anne Douglas filling up my damn newsfeed with their pointless musings.
I’ll be having my first ever driving lesson on Tuesday, I’m so excited. I really wish I could drive, if I could I’d go on day trips to some of my favourite places and i could take my friends. I’d just go for long drives listening to my music. If I had a car then it would be like my own little place away from home. My space, an extension of my own. I’ll just need to save up I guess.